By Adunke Olatunji
Love can make you feel like you are invincible. Every clichéd love song suddenly rings true with a new meaning. Food tastes better, sunsets are prettier. You’re so full of sweetness that you’re tempted to lavish it on strangers just because you want to spread that blissful feeling. It’s the same for men as it is for women, we also love being in love!
Where there is a potential for great reward, there tends to also be a great risk. Love is probably the best and the scariest thing we do. That potential for rejection and devastation can make it really challenging to truly let yourself fall for someone.
Losing someone is always hard, but losing a spouse is a profound experience that effects much more than your single status. With the loss of a loved one, a whole life can change but it’s always possible to find a genuine love after the loss of your spouse though so many things have to be considered before such steps should be taken.
Work through Your Grief before You Start Dating
I cannot emphasize this enough. You really need to be in a good place emotionally before you start dating. Talk to a grief counselor and learn how to cope with the emotions you’re going through. Take time to mourn, to build your self-esteem and to reduce the stress in your life as a whole. This will make you much better prepared to handle the emotions of a new relationship.
Don’t Feel Guilty about Dating
This is a feeling that all widows face. Your spouse would have wanted you to be happy. Dating is not disrespectful or inconsiderate. It is a step you will take to move forward in your life. Your counselor will tell you this time and time again, but remind yourself of it as well. No guilt, just hope for the future.
Take However Much Time You Need
Don’t feel pressured to start dating at a certain time. If you need a year to heal, take that year. If you only need a few months, that’s fine too. You know your body and, more importantly, your heart. Trust your gut, and you’ll begin dating when you feel ready.
Don’t Let Time Stop You from Dating
While it’s important to take time for yourself, you shouldn’t set a time limit on your dating life. But that rigid timeframe didn’t make sense in the grand scheme of things. You’ll know when you’re ready to date. If it happens sooner than expected, that’s okay! Don’t let your mental timeclock stop you from living your life.
Be Honest about Your Situation
When you start dating, you may feel tempted to hide the fact that you’re a widow. For some, they will feel like they were “damaged goods,” like no one would want to be with someone who had emotional baggage. Everyone has emotional baggage though, even if it’s not the same kind. The person you date may have lost a parent or may have battled with addiction at some point in time. You went through a traumatic experience, but that does not define you. You can acknowledge your past, but try to stay open-minded about the future as well.
Avoid Comparing People to Your Spouse
You won’t be able to find someone who is exactly like your spouse. Truth be told, you are no longer the same person that you were when you got married. Avoid making comparisons when you’re dating and focus on finding a genuine connection. You’re not looking for a better relationship or the same relationship. You’re looking for someone new to spend time with. You will find that in time.
Stay Optimistic
Dating is frustrating for anyone, regardless of age or circumstance. Try not to get too discouraged along the way though. You might have to sift through some bad seeds, but eventually you’ll find a good one. Talk to your therapist along the way to work through any emotions you might be feeling, and make the most of the journey you’re on.
Dating as a widow comes with unique challenges. By now, you’ve handled the grief and set yourself up financially, but it still seems strange to jump into the dating scene. Every time someone gave you dating advice, you shrugged it off because you felt no one understood what you were going through.
When dating again, always respect yourself and your to-be partner. It may be that you have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person ahead of you, or it may be that your time with this person is another chance to grow.
Losing a spouse does not mean that you should never date again, only that you may need more time. If and when you decide to start dating again, you need to understand that it is possible to be happy in a new relationship even though you are still having thoughts and feelings for your deceased spouse.
Olatunji is President Tabitha New Life Foundation (TNLF! Giving Hope to Widows & Widowers)